The list, tick boxes, and fantasy husbands
Maybe the man in my imagination will always be better than reality, and am I okay with that?
The fortune teller told me that I will meet the man that ticks all my boxes in October or November, and even though I have a lot of opportunities at the beginning of 2023, none of them will be fruitful, she said: “You should go out, a lot”.
“Does that mean I should not bother dating unless it is October and November?” I asked.
“No, no, you have to date a lot now, so you can get some experience.”
The context of how I ended up in front of a fortune teller is not important, but I know this lady has a good reputation (despite her dodgy website). Nevertheless, I was not paying her, and it was Lunar New Year, so getting your fortune read is a must! Even so, the way she says “the tick list” bothers me. As if every woman who is looking for a partner has a list. I questioned what does she mean by the list? Which, she replies as if it is obvious “Well it is everything you are looking for.” In all honesty, I don’t even know what I am looking for, so how can I recognise it when this magical man of mine arrives? I have had many experiences meeting someone, completely star-struck, and only for it to fizzle as fast as it arrives. Romantic love comes and goes, but no one stayed, and I’m glad that is the case because I cannot imagine myself being with any of them. Although, I would be lying to myself if I don’t unconsciously have a list, a fantasy, a type, judging by all the men I fell head over heels for. I know I love a lot, and I have a lot of love to give. So here is my list, and I will let you know by the end of 2023 if I meet him like the fortunate teller predicted.
Peace and quiet
I like introverts, I like quiet time together on the sofa, not talking, recharging. I like the silent cuddles. I like black coffee in the morning, music or a podcast in the background, slowly waking up. I like being in bed all day at the weekend. I like arguments that end up in saying “I’m sorry”.
I have always been drawn to introverts. From friendships to relationships. In a way, my body recognised another “peace and quiet” person, conflict adverse, softly spoken. I know that I find that person when I have to lean forward to hear them, there is a desire to be closer, to be in each other’s personal space, to look into each other’s eyes, to whisper under one’s breath, to giggle gently over some lame jokes.
Height (and other physical aspects)
Now this is controversial because there is immense pressure and standard for men to be a certain height (over 6’ feet), have a six-pack, and have a huge you know what. Personally, I don’t think attraction is purely just visual. My measuring stick is one pair of boots which I like a lot, and I love to be able to wear them and stand next to someone, and feel protected. That is all my need for height. Ultimately it is not about the height but the feeling of safety, I want to be able to feel feminine, and dainty, in my impractical shoes, knowing that I can depend on them to do the little thing like opening the car doors, help me put on a coat, hold the umbrella. Is this not very feminist of me? I don’t know, maybe? Maybe it is an escape from my usual practical, independent, I-can-do-everything-myself approach to life, but my god it is sexy to feel like this man can fight a bear for you1.
High in openness2
I’m an automatic “Yes” person. It is not exactly always a good trait, but I love others Yes! people. Want to check out this Japanese street food restaurant that is also a vinyl store and has craft beers? Yes. Want to go to a wedding with me? Yes. Want to meet me in another country for a first date? Yes. Yes and yes. I want someone who I can say yes with, yes to, and who also supports me in taking greater risks. I feel the world is so big, and life is so short. Imagining a relationship where this does not exist feels suffocating, and not in a good way3.
Realist
Despite being a hopeless romantic, I’m a realist. The romantic side of me just uses my daydreams and imagination to escape from reality. I have undoubtedly hoped for many of my romantic encounters and crushes to be someone they are not. Wishful thinking, hoping, longing, that somehow my life ended up like those bittersweet movies, where the main characters meet on the train from Budapest to Vienna, lost touch, got back in touch, got married, fight, and made up4. I like to think that I have prepared for the challenges of life, the fact that couple fights, and that one day I will be bored of my partner, that maybe I stop finding them attractive, and that there will be work. The reality is that I have no idea what the future will be like, and all I hope for this future husband of mine is that he is prepared for that hardship too. I hope that he is a dependable man that I can send to the supermarket with a grocery list and he knows what to do. I hope that, if we ever decided to have children and I have to take a step back in my career, he does not take my sacrifice for granted. I hope that he takes care of himself, his mental and physical health, not just for him, but for us, and because I know I would do the same. I hope that he is a strong independent man like the way I am a strong independent woman, and that he has a support network of friends and family like I do, because just in case one of us left this world a bit earlier than planned, then I know the other will survive.
Now you might understand why this newsletter is appropriately named: I will die alone. I often ruminate about death, and what is it like for the people that left alive. So unsurprisingly, I am a nutter (or introspective, whatever this is), deep down, I always have a list, but putting it into words has made me realise how difficult it is to find someone like this. They don’t come out of a box, ready-made and waiting for me to swipe right on them. I don’t know if I will ever find this person, but I refused to settle down for anything less. Maybe I will be alone forever, but that is not so bad, because, after all, I am an independent woman with amazingly supportive friends and family, I can probably fight a bear myself if I stop skipping my Brazilian Jiujitsu classes, and yes life is can be hard sometimes without a romantic partner, but I think whoever this person is, it is worth waiting a little while for them.
Not a literal bear, and in reality, I am more likely the kind of girl who end up taking my shoes off and getting into trouble.
Openness, as a personality trait, refers to the degree to which an individual is open-minded, imaginative, curious, and receptive to new ideas, experiences, and emotions, aka nutters. People high in openness tend to be creative, adventurous, and willing to explore unconventional paths. This trait is usually referred to as the Big Five personality traits, which some corporate institutions use to hire people, and I just leaked that I am a corporate drone.
For the kinky guys and girls who read this.
The Before trilogy.